I’ve gotten myself into a bit of an odd situation…
About 2 weeks ago, I blogged about this guy who just wanted to use me for sex. Somehow we began talking again.
He hasn’t changed. (Surprise surprise).
I guess what kind of bothers me is that I don’t really know how to say no.
It kind of scares me.
Though I don’t want to believe it, I think I’d let myself be taken advantage of sexually in real life too… Just because I’m too afraid of offending others and coming off as mean. When I used to work at this coffee shop, this old man would touch me (stroke my arm, grab my hand, etc.) and I never did or said anything about it even though it made me uncomfortable.
Anyways, this guy has been asking me for sexual pictures of myself…
That was a definite no.
I ended up showing him my stomach though. :/
Why am I so worried about what he thinks? I could just tell him to fuck off right?
The thing is… I’ll be going to the same university as him next year and I don’t want to make enemies before I even get there.
5. If money=/=love, then why the fuck are people always saying “you appreciate your parents because they provide food, shelter, and other material things!”? Yeah, because material things really makes up for life scarring physical and emotional abuse. (This goes with how some people are unable to imagine how hurtful and damaging abuse can be).
6. I used to be very paranoid about sharing my personal life with others. It was only about a year ago that I started being more open about my life. Now that I’m finding it easier to share my personal life, people are treating me like I’m some attention seeker. They say things like “suck it up and fake a smile like I do”, tell me to stop complaining, and stop seeking attention. Then they wonder why I have trust issues.
7. Either people are telling me to stop blaming things on myself or telling me I don’t blame enough things on myself. It’s like they want to get me down when I believe I don’t deserve being mistreated.
8. Everyone experiences things differently. What two people undergo physically can’t really be compared since they will take those experiences differently. Two people could have been abused, yet one could have been impacted worse mentally. One could have had it worse physically, but that doesn’t necessarily mean his/her experience was worse than the one who endured less severe physical abuse. Another example - two people take a trip on a plane. Although they both take this same trip on the plane, the one who has a phobia of flying will obviously have a terrifying experience unlike the one who doesn’t. You can’t just measure the quality of experience with what two people undergo physically.
To be continued…
- Lily Stranger
I love how you said you didn’t just want me for sex and then got pissed and deleted me once you realized I wouldn’t let myself be taken advantage of. How can you tell me you love me for my personality when we barely know each other? That a load of bull. Half our conversations consisted of you trying to get me to cyber anyways (and you made yourself seem like a total pervert since you wouldn’t stop even after I told you I didn’t like it).
You know what makes me angry? I feel guilty. Bad. Like I did something wrong when all I did was try to make sure I wouldn’t be used. Yet you treat me like I’ve pissed you off more than vice versa.
You a nice guy? Don’t think so.
You’re what, 21? I’m not so naive to think you actually want me. I’m young, but I’m not desperate to lose my virginity - not at all. Did you think you could take advantage of me cause you’re older?
(Btw, like=/=love, sex=/=love, sexually experienced=/=maturity, and love>sex).
Just fuck you.
Fuck you for making me feel bad for not letting you take advantage of me. I feel bad, mad, scared, and embarrassed.
(Ugh, scared. Harass me next year and I’ll punch you in the face. [… not really, but I will in my head and may report you].)
Why do I feel so much?
Edit: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUU. Another horny guy just IM’ed me right after I finished this post. Sigh. Never thought I’d be complaining about this kind of thing.
Also, it’s not horniness that bothers me. I just hate feeling like they’re trying to manipulate me into thinking they want me for more than sex or cybering. Ha!
1. Optimistic people are generally nice to be around, but sometimes freaking frustrating. The ones who refuse to believe or is unable to comprehend the idea of someone actually having a horrible life.. They don’t acknowledge your negative feelings or trivialize them.
These kind of people who look sun-coloured lenses are the ones who say things like:
"Your parents hate you? Impossible! All parents love their children.”
"Aw, yeah my parents used to abuse me too. My parents would spank me when I misbehaved, but I know they love me. They just want the best for you - it’s not that bad!"
“Everyone feels like that sometimes.”
"Things will get better. Things always do."
"Cheer up. :) It’s not that hard."
And I think, are you fucking kidding me?
And yet, I can’t completely be mad at these kind of people because they’re simply ignorant.
2. Things don’t always get better. Do you really want proof for this? Just think - do you truly believe everyone dies happy? What about people who commit suicide? People who are murdered? People who do not recover from a terminal illness? No. To claim or believe things will definitely get better is idealistic. Nice to hear but
really fucking ridiculous an invalid statement. (This is related to the first point)…
3. Sometimes people don’t want to hear that others have it worse off than them. They would rather believe that the others who claim to have shitty lives are “weak” or melodramatic attention seekers rather than accepting that other people may have it worse off than them because then their own problems seem trivialized and unacknowledged. They want some credit for dealing with problems too so they assume that they just have a “stronger” character rather than believe others may be struggling with harder issues.
4. People complain about fake others tend to be, yet they are so quick to judge and reject those who are themselves.
To be continued…
- Lily Stranger
Well, I just thought I’d note that I had my first drink today/yesterday (it’s around midnight right now).
I don’t feel that odd.
I had about two cups of alcohol. I didn’t even get tipsy (I thought I would cause I’m not that big).
However, I did get into a giggle fit a few times, but I don’t know if that was the alcohol or just my being amused at a drunk friend. :p
I was mostly still my quiet, introverted self.
Edit: I got bloated and burpy too. :s That made it hard to enjoy the alcohol.
I’m so tired of being so damn tired.
Blank. Blank. Blank.
Being alive is exhausting. Sitting, thinking, talking, breathing.
Technically I’m alive, I guess.
I just want to sleep, and sleep, and sleep.
Too bad I never wake up feeling refreshed; just a bit less exhasted.
What a boring post. It’s only as lively as I am.
I wonder when this fog will lift. If it ever will.
Blink. Blink. Breathe.
I am existing. That’s all.